Afraid of My Own Thoughts
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We started the day like usual. We made drinks and had our personal Bible reading. I usually have mine in the sunroom, but for the past three days, I've been having it in the bedroom. The sunroom is a mess since I put the dining table and chairs and more stuff in there as we paint the kitchen. I have been reading Corinthians on the fruit of the Spirit. A reminder to love.
We had breakfast in the living room. My little crafting table turned into a dining table for a bit. Then we cracked on with painting. We hoped to finish it today and we are glad we did!
In the first few hours of painting, we forgot to play any music or sermon. We chatted and there was a gap of silence where my mind began to wander. I started to think of every single person who has wronged me. Every painful word and deed, all things that are traumatic resurfaced in my thoughts and my heart ached.
Overwhelmed, I said to my husband who was busy painting the other corner of the room...
"Shall we play hymns or shall we listen to Ligonier Conference?"
To that, he said that he was okay without anything playing in the background.
"I am afraid of my own thoughts. It is difficult not to think about them. I need to take my mind out of it and listen to something." Off I went to get my phone and started to play hymns on YouTube. But then I changed my mind and we ended up listening to Ligonier Conference teachings instead.
I am afraid of my own thoughts. That is not an overstatement. I do, indeed. How easy it is for my thoughts to be fixated upon and my heart to be troubled by the suffering I endure. There is no fruit from dwelling on this, and many times I have asked my Lord to forgive me for struggling to forgive.
I am afraid of my own thoughts. I am afraid of my own heart.
Certainly, the Lord uses this time to reveal more of the corruption in my mind and the deceit in my heart. As much as I want to forgive and love those who wronged me, my flesh is weak. I could see bitterness, anger, and ill will in my thought and within my heart.
I am afraid of my own thoughts. I am afraid of my own heart. Lord, forgive.
Derek Thomas and Ken Jones gave clear answers on the matter of a new heart during the QNA Session of the conference we listened to this morning.
In Reformed theology, sanctification is distinguished between two types:
- A definitive sanctification. Paul refers to us as a new creation, in Christ, holy, saints, set apart. Derek Thomas explains that something definitive and unchangeable happens at the time of regeneration.
- Progressive sanctification. Although we are definitively set apart, we are still sinners. In this, Derek Thomas uses the term "saved sinners" and he further spells out the fact that we still gonna battle with sin as long as we are still in this mortal body.
To this, Ken Jones adds that the concept of the new heart does not mean infused righteousness but an awareness and affection for the things of God that were non-existent before. This awareness comes from God Himself who works within us causing us to will and do for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13).
I am afraid of my own thoughts. I am afraid of my own heart.
Surely I struggle but I am thankful for this battle against my own sinful heart and mind. I am thankful for the awareness He grants me to will and do what glorifies Him. Let me be denying myself every single day. I will fix my eyes on Him, rest in His sufficient grace, and echo Paul...
I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
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Coram Deo:
Thankful for today. Not only that I am spiritually refreshed but the Lord gave us the strength to finish the decorating work in the kitchen. I look forward to hosting meals and to more fellowship around the dining table.
Wednesday, 12 July 2023